I am an escapist. What does that even mean?? A quick look in the dictionary will tell you that an escapist is one who indulges in escapism – the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in entertainment or in imaginative situation, activity, etc. I think I've known for years that I was an escapist because almost all my life I have escaped reality in all sorts of ways and for all sorts of reasons. From the age of 13, I indulged in the fictional, in all sorts of magical and amazing imaginary worlds in the form of TV online. When I was 13 to when I was 15, I spent almost every waking hour watching TV program after TV program. My entire summers were spent in front of my computer screen (not watching porn) but watching TV. It’s amazing that I did well in school despite spending all my days craving escape from my sometimes boring & sometimes painful life. Why Did I do it? On the TV screen, I could vicariously live through the protagonists I adored. I could be popular, have an exciting life with superpowers even. I could be or have anything by watching these shows! Because let's face it, TV shows us what we wish we had and who we wish we were. What I saw on TV made my life as an only child with few friends and a single mom seem less miserable & boring so I spent even more time escaping. When I was 15ish, my escapism reached a peak when I discovered that I had a passion for creative writing. Creative Writing! It was better, richer, and more complex than anything I could have ever viewed on a TV screen. With the pen in my hand, and the characters in my control, at command, I could create elaborate worlds known only to me, specific to my desires, my wants & fantasies, making it the maximum source of entertainment and pleasure because it was made personal by me and for me. I stopped writing shortly before entering college and I now I believe this was the Lord pulling me out of my head before I lost myself to the imaginary. Why am I telling you this? I decided to write this today because since I was 12, I have hated life in such a deep way that is so hard to explain. For the longest time, I have hated the reality I live in and have felt so unfulfilled by life, so bored by it all and just so empty. I have been toiling with this knowledge for so long without any answers to why I feel this way or how I can change it. It isn't quite the same thing as depression but I'm sure that it could very well be a road to depression.
The only way I can describe it is that it is: *a deep seeded longing for something different and new, *a constant state of just existing like a chair or a book on a shelf - idle & lacking meaning or life *a total emptiness because of the lack of stimulation in my life, *plagued by a deep need to flee and just leave and go somewhere far away because it definitely has to be better than here – but this is a lie. I've realized that all my ennui, my lack of motivation, my emptiness was a unintended consequence of my escapist actions (TV watching). I've realized that my indulgence in alternate realities and worlds has been the cure and the cause of these feelings within me. It has been a cure because it has allowed me to escape the boredom, but it has also been a cause because in escaping, I have distorted my view of what reality is. I have twisted reality and bent it into what I see on TV! It has become so bad that reality isn't reality for me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I'm not schizophrenic, I know that President Obama is the current President and I'm not talking about some Butterfly Effect (Ashton Kutcher) or Inception type thing. I'm saying that after watching so many convincing depictions of what life is supposed to be and what love should be, I now expect what I see on TV to be in real life, which is a big problem. This is my problem. TV love has become everyday life love for me. TV friends have become what I expect in friendships in my life. And TV life is what I expect to see in my life. All of this has been a gradual shift in my worldview that I have not noticed, and did not realize until last night! As an unseen consequence of hours of TV, I have grown to hate life as it is because I love fictional worlds that do not exist and never will. In growing to expect to see TV reality in real life, I have grown uninterested & disappointed by the reality that surrounds me. In attaching myself to ideas that were not real & not Biblical, I started to devalue & hate my life because it does not compare to what I’ve seen on TV. And how could real life compete with a virtual reality? It couldn’t! It doesn’t stand a chance because TV life will always be 10x cooler than real life (by worldly standards). THAT is the problem! By watching this stuff day in and day out, I have become so sick and tired of life, so bored with it, so unstimulated by the events of real life because TV has sucked my basic human enjoyment of life. It has sucked all my sensitivity away simply because I’ve seen it all on TV & seen it 100x better. It’s kind of like a porn addict who has trouble finding a mate because their standards for a mate have been elevated to imaginary & extremely high standards that don’t exist anywhere but on the pornography websites. That is me but with life! I don’t enjoy life and its simple joys anymore because I have been conditioned (through TV watching) to enjoy elevated, ridiculously high standards of life that do not exist in my own life. So as a consequence, I’m unmotivated to clean my room, I’m unmotivated to go outside and explore the world, I’m unmotivated to study for my tests in college, I’m unmotivated to write in this blog, Worst of all, I’m unmotivated to be the servant of God that I know He wants me to be. This is my admission of sin. I am addicted to TV shows like Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, & Fringe. I am seriously addicted, and I have made these shows into idols that I’m putting before The Most High, God. I have to break this addiction and reclaim the simple joys of life that have been stolen from me by society & the devil. I have to end this addiction with God’s help & begin the healing & renewal of my soul. I was watching a sermon late last night that alerted me to this sad reality in my life. The sermon was basically God’s answer to my prayers about my problem with a deep seeded lack of motivation. God answered my prayer in many ways by showing me new insights, but also by confirming thoughts I had been having. There are 4* distinct things I have become as a consequence of watching excessive TV: 1. An addict to fantasy & pleasure. We live in a culture that seeks pleasure! This is true in many ways (entertainment, media, video games, etc.) This is a realization I made a few weeks ago. I just never realized that I was apart of the pleasure loving masses. A great excerpt from the sermon I watched last night that alerted me to this: “Reality is no longer good enough. Reality is no longer exciting. So many people live their entire life in a fantasy world… When media and video games and everything else become so big in your life, literally reality is no longer any fun. This is the kind of culture we have moved into…” – Paul Washer. When I heard this in the sermon last night, I was moved by the Holy Spirit, and I realized that God was answering my prayer and showing me that all my ennui & lack of motivation was rooted in my TV watching. I was simply seeking pleasure, and in the meantime, I was destroying my ability to enjoy all the simple pleasures that He has created for me here in my life today. Proverbs 21:17 Whoever loves pleasure will become poor; whoever loves wine and olive oil will never be rich. 2. A sluggard or sloth. Slothfulness or laziness has been the product of my addiction to TV. I have perpetually grown less motivated to do anything! When you find that nothing compares to the pleasure of watching a good TV show, you find that you are not motivated to do much anymore. Luke 8:14 And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. *Edit 8/7/13 3. An Idolater! In the process of spending many hours watching TV, I neglected Bible studies that I had planned to go through, I neglected prayer to God, I neglected His Spirit, which surely must have fled from me as I placed TV shows before Him. In my excessive watching of TV, (watching not just one episode a day or one episode a week, but watching 2 whole seasons or 45 episodes within 5 days), I became an idolater who looked to the things on TV & not the Bible. I replaced a Biblical knowledge of life with TV reality. Psalms 135:15-18 The idols of the nations are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths, but do not speak; they have eyes, but do not see; they have ears, but do not hear, nor is there any breath in their mouths. Those who make them become like them, so do all who trust in them! 4. A glutton! Gluttony or consumption in excess, seeking instant gratification and ultimate pleasure has become my constant sin. Watching TV programs is not bad in and of itself (with exceptions) however, watching TV in excess is bad & idolatrous at worst, and it has landed me where I am now. Proverbs 13:4 A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. The worst part of this gluttonous behavior of mine is that in seeking happiness and fulfillment in TV shows, I found my cup half empty & have been left thirsty. Instead of seeking the Lord, seeking Christ, and seeking the living water Jesus promised, I sought earthly pleasure, which never satisfies and only brings destruction to the soul. John 4:13-14 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” One important lesson I have learned is that in God, all my needs are met in a special way – all of my thirsts and hungers are met for an eternity. By pursuing a relationship with Christ and letting Him be my purpose in life, I can live each day renewed & free of the weaknesses of my flesh! With Him, I am no longer a slave to the TV screen, and I am no longer a slave to my human needs that are never fulfilled. With God, my cup overflows! (Psalms 23:5) He fills my cup to the brim and beyond with his goodness & mercy for all of my days until I am with Him in His kingdom! Praise be to Him! Hallelujah! Amen. My last words are a question, are you an escapist? Do you escape reality through video games, TV shows, fantasy worlds online, sports or books? Do you do it through work, school, or academics? Do you daydream and fantasize about another life while your own life passes by? Do you have trouble accepting and finding the small pleasures in everyday life? A good way to discern whether you're an escapist is if 1) you are (consciously or not) running away from responsibilities , 2) seeking what makes you feel good vs. what you need to do. 3) you're absorbed by something that makes you really happy when you're doing it, but you do it all the time in a gluttonous or idolatrous way. If you're running away from some problem, battle or reality you need to face & you choose not to face it through escaping by (fill in the blank), then you might be an escapist like me. If you are an escapist, there is Good News for you! Come to Christ! Knowing Him is enough to quell all those thirsts and hungers of the flesh and that is the Good News! In whatever stage of life you're in and no matter what you're addicted to or escaping from, He satisfies because He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life! Peace and Grace, Evangeline.
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